Often parents find themselves overwhelmed with their child’s behaviors, it’s hard to see the extra layer of their own anxiety. As a parent, anxiety is actually hard to shake off because, let’s be honest, parents are great at worrying about their kids. “How are they doing in school? Do they have any friends? Should I limit screen time? Am I spending enough time with them?” Let’s be even more honest: as parents we will worry, our children are going to worry, our teens are going to worry. Worry is inevitable. How much you let it dominate your family is something within the circle of what you can control.
Research shows that anxious children can learn patterns of worry from parents who are only trying to help them. As a licensed mental health therapist, I often see parents who are worried, anxious, and frustrated — which reinforces the anxiety their child may be experiencing. Unintentionally, we teach children how to worry more rather than how to move through their worries and anxieties. Other times, anxiety runs in the family. It’s a genetics thing, it’s biology. It is in no way a parenting failure.
The Invisible Loop
- Your nervous system picks up on theirs (and vice versa)
- It’s hard to coach calm when you’re not calm
- You may avoid situations (or conversations) that trigger you, which can unintentionally reinforce your child’s avoidance
This is what I call the invisible loop, anxiety quietly passing back and forth between parent and child, each one picking up on the other’s cues, each one trying to manage something that was never fully named. The good news is that the loop doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, and it can be rewired.
What You Can Do — Even If You’re Still Figuring It Out Yourself
Think body, mind, and soul. Research has shown that anxiety doesn’t just live in our thoughts, it lives in our bodies too. In fact, studies have found that patients referred for cardiac evaluations were often experiencing symptoms rooted in psychological distress rather than physical illness.
- Attend to your body first. Notice where anxiety shows up physically, a tight chest, shallow breathing, a clenched jaw. Before you can help regulate your child, you need to check in with yourself. Even a few slow, intentional breaths before responding to a hard moment can shift the dynamic.
- Model coping out loud. Say what you’re feeling, then say what you’re going to do about it. “I’m feeling a little frustrated right now, I’m going to take some deep breaths first.” You’re showing them that big feelings are survivable and manageable.
- Get your own support. This one is hard to hear, but it matters. Your child’s therapy alone won’t break the loop if your anxiety is significant. A therapist, support group, or even a trusted person in your corner can make a real difference — not just for you, but for your whole household.
A Word About Guilt
You are not the problem. You don’t have to be anxiety-free to raise a resilient child. Parents who can name the loop are far better positioned to interrupt it than parents who never look up long enough to notice it.
The Goal Isn’t a Worry-Free Home
The goal is a home where feelings are allowed, named, and moved through, rather than avoided or amplified. Worry will show up in your child’s life, your teen’s life, and your own. Knowing how to manage and move through it will create stronger bonds and emotional safety, which is what parents really want underneath all that anxiety.
