Part 3 of an 8-Part Series on Understanding and Supporting Children with Anxiety

If you’re joining the series here, you may find it helpful to read the first two articles:

• Part 1: Childhood Anxiety 101: What Every Parent Needs to Know
• Part 2: The Hidden Signs of Childhood Anxiety: What Parents Often Miss

“I Just Don’t Want to Go.”

It’s 7:15 on a Tuesday morning.

Breakfast is untouched.

Your child complains of a stomachache.

“I don’t feel good.”

A few minutes later, they add,

“I don’t want to go to school.”

As a parent, it’s hard to know what to do.

Are they really sick?

Are they trying to avoid a math test?

Did something happen with friends?

Or are they simply testing boundaries?

Many parents have faced mornings like this. They can be stressful, emotional, and confusing for everyone involved.

While there are many reasons a child may struggle with school, anxiety is one possibility that deserves thoughtful consideration. Anxiety doesn’t just affect how children feel, it can influence how they learn, interact with others, and approach everyday challenges.

Understanding what anxiety looks like in the school setting can help parents respond with empathy while still supporting their child’s growth and independence.

Why This Matters

School is more than academics.

Every school day asks children to navigate learning, friendships, routines, expectations, transitions, uncertainty, and sometimes disappointment.

For children who experience anxiety, these everyday demands can feel much bigger than they appear from the outside.

Research from organizations such as the American Academy of Pediatrics and the National Institute of Mental Health highlights that anxiety can interfere with attendance, concentration, academic performance, and peer relationships when it becomes persistent.

Importantly, anxiety-related school struggles are not usually a sign that a child is lazy or unmotivated.

Many anxious children want to succeed; they simply feel overwhelmed by the challenges in front of them.

Recognizing the difference between resistance and overwhelm is one of the most helpful shifts parents can make.

What Parents Should Know

School Can Activate Many Different Worries

When adults think about school anxiety, they often picture a child who is afraid of going to school.

In reality, children may be anxious about many different things, including:

• Making mistakes
• Being called on in class
• Tests and grades
• Making friends
• Being separated from parents
• Being embarrassed
• Loud or busy environments
• Unpredictable schedules
• Changes in routine

Sometimes children can identify exactly what worries them.

Other times, they simply know that school feels “too hard.”

Resistance and Overwhelm Can Look Similar

Imagine asking someone to climb a mountain they believe is impossible.

From the outside, refusing to climb might look like stubbornness.

From the inside, it feels like self-protection.

Children experiencing anxiety often avoid situations because their nervous system is signaling danger, not because they don’t care.

That doesn’t mean children should avoid difficult situations indefinitely. In fact, gradually facing manageable challenges is an important part of building confidence.

But understanding why they’re resisting helps parents choose responses that support growth rather than unintentionally increasing fear.

What School Anxiety Can Look Like

Morning Stomachaches and Other Physical Complaints

One of the most common signs of school-related anxiety is recurring physical discomfort.

Children may complain of:

• Stomachaches
• Headaches
• Nausea
• Feeling dizzy
• Fatigue

These symptoms are genuine.

Anxiety activates the body’s stress response, which can affect digestion, muscle tension, and overall physical comfort.

You may notice that symptoms improve on weekends, holidays, or after staying home. While this pattern doesn’t automatically mean anxiety is the cause, it may be worth discussing with your child’s healthcare provider if medical causes have been ruled out.

School Avoidance

Some children become increasingly reluctant to attend school.

Professionals sometimes use the term “school refusal” to describe persistent difficulty attending school due to emotional distress. Despite the name, it doesn’t mean a child is being intentionally defiant.

School avoidance can range from:

• Frequent requests to stay home
• Prolonged morning struggles
• Difficulty entering the classroom
• Calling home repeatedly
• Missing increasing amounts of school

The longer avoidance continues, the harder returning can become.

Homework Shutdowns

Your child sits at the kitchen table.

The homework is open.

Nothing happens.

Minutes become an hour.

Tears appear.

“It’s too hard.”

Sometimes parents interpret this as procrastination or lack of effort.

But for anxious children, homework can trigger fears such as:

• “What if I get it wrong?”
• “What if I disappoint my teacher?”
• “What if everyone else understands except me?”

When worry consumes mental energy, beginning a task can feel overwhelming.

Perfectionism at School

Perfectionism often receives praise because it can appear to be hard work.

Yet beneath the surface, some children are driven not by achievement but by fear.

You may notice a child who:

• Rewrites assignments repeatedly
• Erases constantly
• Avoids submitting work
• Becomes distressed over small mistakes
• Needs excessive reassurance before turning in homework

Their goal isn’t perfection itself.

It’s avoiding the uncomfortable feelings associated with making mistakes.

Test Anxiety

Feeling nervous before an important exam is common.

For some children, however, anxiety significantly interferes with performance.

They may:

• Freeze during tests
• Forget material they knew at home
• Panic before exams
• Lose confidence despite adequate preparation

Parents are sometimes surprised when teachers report that their child understands the material but struggles during assessments.

Anxiety can temporarily interfere with attention, memory retrieval, and problem-solving.

Social Worries

School involves constant social interaction.

For some children, worries may include:

• Sitting alone at lunch
• Saying the wrong thing
• Being laughed at
• Joining games
• Speaking in front of classmates

Social anxiety doesn’t always mean children dislike others.

Many want friendships deeply but feel uncertain about how to navigate social situations.

Difficult Transitions

Transitions require flexibility.

Some children experience increased anxiety during changes such as:

• Starting kindergarten
• Moving to middle school
• Returning after holidays
• New classrooms
• Substitute teachers
• Changes in routine

Even positive changes can feel stressful when uncertainty is involved.

Common Parent Misunderstandings

“They’re Just Trying to Get Out of School.”

Sometimes children do try to avoid responsibilities.

But if avoidance is driven by anxiety, simply insisting they “push through” without support may increase distress.

Instead, ask:

“What feels hardest about school right now?”

Curiosity often reveals important information.

“If I Let Them Stay Home Once, Everything Will Be Fine.”

Occasionally staying home because of illness is appropriate.

When anxiety becomes the reason, repeated avoidance can unintentionally strengthen fear.

Research on childhood anxiety consistently supports helping children return to valued activities gradually, with appropriate support, rather than avoiding them indefinitely.

“They’re Smart Enough. They Just Aren’t Trying.”

Anxiety can consume attention.

A child who appears distracted or unmotivated may actually be working very hard just to manage anxious thoughts.

Understanding this difference can shift conversations from criticism to problem-solving.

What Helps

Be Curious About the Pattern

Instead of focusing only on difficult mornings, ask:

• Does this happen on test days?
• Before presentations?
• After weekends?
• During friendship conflicts?
• With certain classes?

Patterns often provide valuable clues.

Validate First

Instead of saying,

“You’ll be fine.”

Try:

“It sounds like today feels really hard.”

“I can see you’re worried.”

Validation communicates understanding while keeping the door open for problem-solving.

Work With the School

Teachers, school counselors, and other school staff can often provide helpful observations.

Consider sharing:

• What you’ve noticed at home
• Situations that seem difficult
• Strategies that have helped previously

Working together creates more consistent support for your child.

Focus on Small Steps

Confidence usually grows through manageable experiences.

Instead of expecting immediate comfort, celebrate progress.

Examples include:

• Walking into school independently
• Completing one homework assignment
• Asking one question in class
• Staying for part of an activity before building toward full participation

Small successes often become the foundation for larger ones.

What to Avoid

Avoid Labeling Your Child as Lazy

Remember that behavior doesn’t always tell the whole story.

A child who appears unmotivated may actually be overwhelmed.

Avoid Solving Every Problem for Them

Parents naturally want to reduce distress.

However, doing difficult things for children can unintentionally reduce their opportunities to build confidence.

Support them but also help them discover what they can do themselves.

Avoid Focusing Only on Grades

When children believe their worth depends entirely on performance, anxiety often increases.

Praise effort, persistence, courage, and problem-solving, not just outcomes.

Try This Week

Choose one or two ideas to practice:

1. Ask your child what part of the school day feels hardest rather than assuming you already know.
2. Notice whether physical complaints appear around predictable school situations.
3. Praise brave efforts instead of perfect performance.
4. Keep a simple record of patterns related to homework, tests, or mornings.
5. Reach out to your child’s teacher if you’ve noticed ongoing concerns and invite collaboration.

When to Seek Extra Support

Consider seeking guidance from your child’s pediatrician or a qualified mental health professional if:

• School attendance is becoming increasingly difficult.
• Anxiety is significantly affecting learning or friendships.
• Physical complaints occur frequently without a medical explanation.
• Your child experiences persistent distress before or after school.
• Avoidance continues despite supportive strategies.

Early intervention can help prevent anxiety from becoming more disruptive and can support a smoother return to everyday routines.

Looking Ahead

By now, we’ve explored what anxiety is, how it can hide beneath everyday behaviors, and how it can affect children’s experiences at school.

The next step is learning how to respond when your child shares or struggles to share, what they’re feeling.

In Part 4, we’ll discuss practical ways to talk with your child about anxiety, including helpful phrases, common communication pitfalls, and how to create conversations that build trust rather than fear. Stay tuned

Further Reading / Sources

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP): Guidance on school attendance, emotional health, and childhood anxiety
• National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH): Anxiety disorders in children and adolescents
• American Psychological Association (APA): Research on child anxiety, learning, and emotional development
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC): Children’s mental health resources
• Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA): Childhood anxiety and school-related concerns